Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Inside PMS


She wishes she could fashion clothing out of the warm, wet pressure of a hot shower.  Because this is the only thing she wants touching her skin at all.  Or if she could just be a fish for a week.

As her uterine lining prepares once more to shed itself, all sense of kindness and social conscience are shed with it.  Saying nothing of patience and care at all.

There is an energy in this time that she refuses to believe cannot somehow be harnessed and harvested to some good.  During this week words rush through her head like sperm to an egg.   The messy energy of something trying to birth itself.  It is not a good time to have children around.

Watching the four-year-old tease the nearly six-year-old sister makes her want to fling them both across the family room into the neighbor's yard.  One for the teasing one for the screaming.  And she could maybe do it.  This is all surprise and shock to her, for she would, otherwise, die for them and their happiness.

She wants to sit in a silent room, naked, not a noise or other to interrupt the energy that burns her up inside and out.

She peels asparagus and cries.  She feeds the chickens and cries.  She turns inside out socks outside in and cries.  She turns her inside out self outside in and cries.  And for heaven's sake everybody stop trying to touch her.

Bring her only potato chips and onion dip and maybe a Spicy V8.

10 comments:

The WoodLand School said...

Oh. My. Gosh.
You captured it perfectly.
I think I'll bookmark this page so I can return once a month, knowing that someone truly understands. Thank you, thank you.

sherrie said...

I love your writing. The outside in line...perfect.

Jessica said...

Hah! Two words: Thank you. In some ways you described my post partum depression. Sigh.

Krisanne said...

This post couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Truly. I woke up this morning with the heaviest most inexplicable sadness. There is no reason for me to feel so sad. At least there is comfort in having something to blame it on.

Jen said...

...and how about one for pregnancy? 34 weeks and counting...ugghhhhhhhhhh.

mama said...

perfect. spot on. and extremely timely as i've just experienced my first in almost 18 months. while nursing around the clock too. i feel like i've been bamboozled.

Tasha said...

i wish I could bring you the snacks and then take the kiddos away so you could get a rest. I always love your candor and the truth behind your posts...

Swati said...

Leave me alone and I will maybe potter around with ease if not perfect contentment, or maybe sit and stare at nothing at all, or curl up and blank out - but, don't come near me, don't demand anything of me, even if that anything happens to be the basic courtesy of recognition, of a smile and some civilized words. Control, awareness, discipline, all words fail; the only one that remains standing? Guilt. And then, one day, I will open my eyes and see me, not the monster, and breathe, and dream, and imagine, and be possible - till it returns, soon.

PacPaliGoulds said...

Why -I love being pregnant!!

Heidi said...

Amen!