Thursday, January 28, 2010

More on Light

For days now my soul has been bemoaning.  I keep it to myself mostly but it sometimes slithers out in moments like yesterday when my 3-year-old antics meter was wigging out and I couldn't stand it any more and I maybe might have told Hazel I was going to sweep the floor with her head.  There are worse threats, right?  I'm always hoping I don't ruin my children.  Sometimes I come close.

So, usually once a week I have one of those really-this-is-my-life? kind of moments and by Tuesday I'm over it and happily swishing cobwebs and deposits from cute little bums down the toilet, singing as I go.  But.  This week.  The bemoaning took over.  I couldn't ever put a finger on it.  Day after day I tried.  And MUCH to his dismay, neither could Dr. Gooch--put a finger on it.

Then, it all changed when I left to go show "the apt" to another potential tenant.  As I was leaving I mentioned to the Dr. that maybe we should reassign the window shades from the kitchen to places that were more vital--like the hall bathroom or our bedroom.  They were too bulky to draw up all the way and thus blocked nearly half the window.  I drove out to Chapel Hill to find a no show.  A cancel.  I drove back picking up a movie at Redbox that Craig had picked up earlier on his way home from work.  Same movie.  "We'll watch it twice", he says.

So I walk in's done!  The shades.  Reassigned!  I said "thank you" by sitting on his lap and chatting while he was trying to watch a soccer match on the computer.  Because we don't have a TV and whatever are we going to do without a TV during the World Cup this summer?  Bemoan bemoan.

But.  All of this is neither here nor there because it wasn't until this morning that it happened.  In a single moment.  I was listening to Lucy and Hazel's morning bicker across the hall.  They were playing "beetle" and the one who was the beetle got too aggressive with her pincers.  There was crying and someone used the word "stupid", three times.  So I got up and went straight downstairs to start the oatmeal so it would cool off enough by the time the four fish started leaping and snapping for food.  Bemoan bemoan. Then.  I turned the corner from the staircase into the kitchen.

And there was the light!  St-reaming in!  Making my morning uncomfortable because it was so unaccustomed to being filled with such hope and promise.  So much so that after we delivered brother to school I came straight home and reassigned two more shades from the living room.  Plus the guest room was bare of window treatments and wanted them badly.

And, I'm expecting guests.


rebecca said...


k a t y said...

Wish I was one of them.

Light makes many things better. So many more.

Ann said...

I love how honest you are about your mental states. It makes me feel not so mental. :)

Alyssa said...

I love reading your blogs, you put feelings and thoughts into words so beautifully! They are often my same feelings and thoughts that I am not able to express into words like you do! I am bemoaning at this time also, and not sure how to find my light. (it rained all day and was cloudy) maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.

Kurt Knudsen said...

Light fixes things.
Who are your guests?

Renee (and Eric) said...

I'm a stranger to you, but you are giving me such good company. I hope you don't mind if I borrow your window and light for a few days on my desktop. It's so like the windows of the farm where I grew up. We are currently on an adventure in Tahiti and the views from my house are very different. Sometimes with toes in the ocean I embrace that different. On other days, looking out at my neighbors concrete wall through grated windows barred to keep thieves out...well you get the idea.

I was just thinking about my window, the views and how to think about it all and looking through your made a difference.

Thanks for sharing.

amy m said...

this year more than ever I have noticed the effect of the gray. More light makes such a big difference...and color. I'm glad that little change made all the different in your world.

Tracy said...