Monday, June 02, 2008

Four-week-old joy


I looked at the clock at 11:31 this morning and remembered four weeks ago when I felt the whole pain of the birth of this child. No drugs, no intravenous tubes, nothing but me and Avery pushing through the pain.


Today, after getting the others settled for lunch, I rushed to rescue her from her red-faced sweaty cries. I love how she instantly quiets when I do that, perhaps letting out a leftover wimper. I rested her heavy head on my shoulder and she tried to suck the skin on my neck. She knows the smell of my skin and it means, to her, a chance at satiation. We sit down together and she eats. I use the moment to rest my own heavy head on the pillow propped behind my back as she begins to suck on my still-cracked nipples and I push through the pain.


At 4:30, the hour that bewitches, everyone was tired of everyone else and we needed to get out. I'm unusually lonely in the car with four other bodies. Lucy is tormenting Hazel who invented the scream and has perfected it's mind-shattering capabilities. Seth is a bit mopey--a reflection certainly of his mother's mood. Avery's hungry cries are cuing me to nurse again. We are sitting in the parking lot outside of the Urgent Care where the Daddy "moonlights" hoping he'll come down and show us his friendly, albeit tired, face. I look in the rear view mirror at my four lovely babies and notice the suddenly noticeable dark circles under my eyes and feel their source in the ache in my back and a throb in my head. And I push through the pain that is parenting.


Like childbirth. It's joy. Parenting. Absolutely joy and marvelous and a miracle. It is also pain and suffering and even anger (like when the doctor's late and they tell you to "wait!"). None of us are special, even though we want to be. We all want to stick out somehow. But we're all the same. We all experience the same pain and the same joy.


I'm learning to push through the pain so the joy can come. Like it did four weeks ago today at 11:31 am.


14 comments:

Amy said...

I remember the cracked nipples. Do you mean it happens every time? Argh. (Thinking of #2).

Jill said...

This is so beautiful, I can feel the joy and the pain of what you're going through.

I can't believe she's already 4 weeks old!

Rebecca said...

Is the pain still fresh after a week? You were amazing. She is such a gem!
M

Rebecca said...

....you ARE amazing.
M

Heidi said...

Has it been a month already? That was beautiful!

Tasha said...

Your nipple still isn't better? Oh Jordan...

It is all pushing through the pain, isn't it? You are wise and honest and true. I wish I could help you pack. I can't believe uts been a month of Avery.


Love you J.

Tasha said...

Your nipple still isn't better? Oh Jordan...

It is all pushing through the pain, isn't it? You are wise and honest and true. I wish I could help you pack. I can't believe uts been a month of Avery.


Love you J.

Katy said...

Jordan, I dreamt that you drove me to the midwife while I was in labor because Ryan wasn't here. The funny thing is that I was in no pain.

I am preparing for my pain...relaxing, breathing, and WILLING my body to do it without any sort of nudge from external sources.

Avery is blessed to have you as her mother, ditto for S, L & H.

Becca said...

four weeks? really? the time is passing so quickly already. this post is beautiful.

swell.life said...

congratulations. such beautiful pictures & words.

Melissa said...

It's scary how fast they change at the beginning. I am sending you all good vibes and extra energy as you get ready to do the big move!!! It was a bit crazy for us, but being settled and knowing that your life is going to be much more secure and in your own control feels amazing!

Natalie said...

I LOVE that picture of you and Craig and Avery. Priceless expressions. I am sad that you so perfectly described your pain, because it brought the feelings all back to me so clear! I went through SO MUCH during my 4 years of nursing! Each child brought about different problems. I feel like I've experienced the whole spectrum of difficulties. I wish you the best and can put trust in lactation specialists and TIME. Nat

michelle said...

The joy and the pain do seem to be inextricably linked. But I do hope you can find your way to pain-free nursing soon!

steve_royer said...

Hi Jordan & Craig,

Congratulations on your beautiful little girl and family. Your children are blessed with wonderful parents. Lots of Love and Good Wishes.

Steve & Julie