Thursday, April 17, 2008

Gasping for Air

I all but threw the kids in their beds. No stories, no prayers even, I could barely muster a good night kiss. Then I tore off my sweaty clothes from the days labors and put on the least restrictive thing I could find. Then I sat down and let out a gasp of a prayer "to somehow get this baby here soon because my friend Tasha said that 'isn't irritability a sign of impending labor' and so I need not to be irritated anymore because I can't do it anymore please, amen." Then some sobs, then just breathing now. A call in desperation to Craig, no answer. Only a retreat to writing could un-fray these nerves.
As I warmed Hazel's bottle Seth was getting into his pajamas and peeked around the corner to assure me, "It'll be okay."
Lucy stroked my face as I tucked her in, "I love you anyways, Mommy." A line stolen from Olivia yet fit just right there between my twitching exhaustion and her sticky sweet perfection.

Hazel, somehow sensing the urgency of the moment, laid right down skipping, just for tonight, her usual objections to bedtime.

"She's got three little ones at home with one on the way." This is what is said to excuse these periodic floods of irritability. But, really, it is without them---the three little ones and the hope wrapped up in one on the way---that I would be broken and lost.


The Original Mangums said...

Jordan, I am so sorry that Craig did not answer; you needed him at that moment. Hope you have a better day tomorrow! We love you, Paula

TX Girl said...

Too funny. Lulu and I always say that to one another.. and she is always wearing me out.

Happy to see Hazel brushing her teeth.

Tasha said...

Oh J- I love you. It is yin and yang isn't it. Its 10 times harder and 10 times better than I ever could have imagined.

I ended up wearing an obscenely large pair of pajama pants at the end. Everything else felt like it was going to kill me.

14 days. 14.days!

Soon Craig will be home again, and your partner in every sense of the word, you'll be amazed, did't you get married a couple months or weeks before medical school? You are in for the biggest treat. You will look across the table at him all the time- here's to a year of the 4th mangum cutie, and to dating your husband, and falling in love with him all over again! Its going to be a wild ride!

rebecca said...

You are swimming in it. Right in the thick of it.

You are AWESOME and you can do it!

I wish I lived closer.

Ingrid said...

Jordan, 14 day!!! just 14 days!!! and that beautiful little baby girl will be in your arms!

You know, all the talk about how the "4th will do you in" is nonsense! I heard this over and over again while I was pregnant with my 4th. Over and Over! Life just gets more exciting and full as a family of 6. I can sense that you will intuitively be a wonderful Mama of 4 littles.

I will also admit that my most challenging days of motherhood were where you are right now, those last few days before #4 arrived. It will get better, I promise! SOOOOO much better!

And I agree with Rebecca, You ARE awesome and you can do it!

LCFrohm said...

I love the way you describe things, the way you communicate the truth of the moment.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I loved your statement, that your irritability was due to these children, yet you would be broken and lost without them.
No truer words have ever been said.

NieNie said...

come over!!!!!

Shannon said...

I still have these moments and I'm not even pregnant. Sometimes you just need to be able to breathe.

I have the following quote by Jeffrey R. Holland taped to the wall over my nightstand. It helps me when I feel stretched way beyond my abilities:
"You are doing God's work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you, and He will bless you, even--no, especially--when your days and your nights may be most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and weep over their responsibility as mothers, 'Daughter be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.' And it will make your children whole as well."
I taped this to my wall shortly after I brought sweet little Benjamin, our littlest, home from the hospital last year. I was feeling overwhelmed! The joy of motherhood comes in moments. It is okay to have moments that aren't blissful, even when we recognize we are so blessed we could burst!
Your sweet little one will be here soon, maybe sooner than you think!
I think you are a super star!

Crystalyn said...

oh jordan. don't the very best things in life always come when we feel like we can't hold on just one more second? hang in there. she'll be there before you know it.

and just look at all you're doing with those little ones of yours. they are giving it all back to you in their sweet reassurances, love you anyways, and face stroking. you are a wonderful mother.