Wednesday, October 17, 2007

"There's Only One"


That's what the doctor said as soon as the baby appeared on his screen.

We all watched yesterday (Craig, Hazel, me, and the doctor) and smiled and nodded and agreed. But, I was dying inside as this baby was confirmed "living" inside. Inside me. What! It is so much. So much to feel this process happening with your body.

Small, small baby #4 jerked and motioned, hands and feet coming in and out of view on the monitor. What is this child? And how am I blessed? When he said that, when he said, "There's only one!", my immediate in-head response was, "but, there are three others".

Last night at story time. My favorite time with the kids. We discussed the baby and looked at pictures. Are those the eyes? Does it move? Can I get in there? (Lucy, upon seeing the baby in the uterus) What is that? What is that? What is that?

It is unfortunate that I don't "allow" more of this focus during the day, but this time I allow myself to be fully un-distracted by anything. Anything. They are all. I let the questions and comments pour forth and we discuss and answer each other. Sometimes we don't even get what the story was about because it made us think of so many other things. And sometimes, we don't even finish the story itself. We are the story at this time. I don't consider myself a good mother, but I do a few good things. This time is good.

There is definitely not "only one" here, I feel all four of these.

10 comments:

michelle said...

No, there is definitely not only one! That rush of feeling when you see the baby on the ultrasound is like nothing else. Did you find out the sex?

We do story time before bed at our house too. At times I wish we did not have such a long drawn-out routine, but then I squelch those feelings because it really is our best quality time together.

Ann said...

Jordan, you ARE a GOOD mother! I admired you this past week as you patiently mothered your children. Don't put that limit on yourself. You deserve better.

Melissa said...

Seeing the baby for the first time is so great, don't you think? To see the baby's heart beat and his or her movements is so amazing. I am happy the baby is growing and thriving! And I am happy those other three "babies" are thriving too! You are a good mother because you love them and help them learn and grow.

Michelle said...

My favorite time is reading at night too- I feel like that's when I'm a best parent too. Maybe it's putting in all your best energy right before the eventual goodbye for the evening- oddly enough I sometimes miss my girls when they are sleeping. I love those glass stars that your mom does- I saw them on Design Mom! So beautiful! Devon bought me all the equipment to start stained glass projects but I'm still trying to get to it after 3 years!!

Amy said...

"We are the story this time". I love that statement. If only I could remember it more often!

Jessica said...

Hi Jordan,
You don't know me. yet. LOL I am Jessica, wife of Joel. He's a PGY-2 that works with Craig. I guess one night late at work Joel was checking our fam blog (somedays that is how he keeps in touch with us, so sad)and Craig said you kept a blog too. So I checked it out. I still have yet to meet any of the resident spouses in the program! Anyway, just thought I would introduce myself, via blogster, and say hello. Congrats on baby #4. We also have 4 and I wouldn't change it for the world! You have an adorable family! Oh- and JEALOUS that you just got to go to UT. You can check out our blog at www.betzbunch.blogspot.com

-Jessica

Katy said...

Hey, great do.

Jenny Dahl said...

Not a good mother? Do you read your own words Jordan? Go back, about a year, that's when I starting reading your words of wisdom, and you'll see what the rest of us see. You'll realize that you are not good, but more than good.

The Original Mangums said...

What a great joy our children are, story and bed time were always so wonderful with your Craig and the four others! We can hardly wait to see you at Thanksgiving! Sure love your BLOG and all the words of wisdom! I think you are a great Mom and a wonderful wife, keep up the good work and know we love you, Paula

amy m said...

I too love that time when the moment is 100% all theirs and how sweet that the stories are about you, the baby.

It is sweet to see a child anticipate the arrival of another member of the family. I'm glad all is well, that there is only one in there, even though you are with 3 all day.