Wednesday, September 05, 2007

What to Expect When You're Unexpecting


I'm pregnant. It is no secret to anyone how this happened. The secret, or rather the mystery, some may say miracle, is in how this happened. I will not now launch into the ins and outs of my "cycle" and the probability or impossibility of conceiving or not conceiving a child at certain times of that cycle. The fact of the matter, or miracle (for that matter), is I am pregnant.


And overjoyed. Over joyed.

But first there were the several moments between. Sitting on the edge of the tub in the pink bathroom at my parents house the night of "race day". I was next to Craig. He was perfect. His face only made movements of elation. He hugged me congratulatory and concerned for many minutes. For, his little pregnant wife was, well the only way I can think of to describe it is: I was breathing in sob-waves. Completely and at once thrilled and overwhelmed. Still am--thrilled and overwhelmed. But smiles now not sobs.


Since the appearance of the two lines on the little plastic stick, the dust has settled somewhat and we are sweeping a new path. Speaking now of names and birthing plans and all the change of plans. The path, it begins with a Farewell to Arms (and legs, hips, belly and even feet and well all the rest of it, too) and for me, also, a Farewell to Mind. I understand and have accepted that I am not my own now--with such small children with such large needs. Time only belongs to me in a book or at my beading desk or running or sleeping. I exploit these rationed moments. But I always have my mind. Thinking is where my beyond is. Yet, when I am pregnant even that, even my mind is lost to the cause.

So, without a mind, perhaps this will be one of few remaing "thoughtful" posts in the next nine months. But I have other ways, I've found, for "making my world go round". I am not the Star Mother. A good day here is one where smiles and silliness predominate over frowns and frustration. I'm sure there are women that revel in the fulfillment of dustless shelves, dinner-at-five, slick floors and counter tops, and activity-laden itineraries for their littles. I say, to that, Bravo. For me I am contributing all the good I can and waiting and watching the children I've born and brought along in this life of ours. This is my way. This is what I know how to do and I don't even know if I know how to do it. I am only hoping it is enough to go around to four babies--come May second.

I would love a million. I could love a million. And if I had a million minds I would give them all and their bodies, too, for this child conceived. Life is beautiful. The children amplify this truth. Happy Day for our family of soon-to-be-six. Happy Day






27 comments:

nie nie said...

that was the most dear blog i have ever ever EVER read. you are such a beautiful woman, for crying out loud, why are we not hanging out?


how about dinner soon?

Lucy said...

Congratulations! I always imagined I'd have a quiver full, close together as your family is. But, like you said, it's a hard thing for our bodies and minds. I admire you and respect you for finding the joy. Life is beautiful indeed.

Tanya said...

Congratulations!
Thanks for "stopping by" my blog and leaving the comment. It was great to hear from you! I posted on your favourites as well.

I love the photos. They go so well with the post. I too am trying to contribute the best of me to my children in the same way. Come see my dusty shelves and crumby countertops if you ever want to feel better about your own!

rebecca said...

Still smiling for you...
It IS enough... you are enough.
Yes. Happy, happy day, lucky, lucky 4 babes.

Melissa said...

Congrats! I admire you for your strength and optimism. My second baby came along about the same way. It's a surprise, but when he finally came, it is so great. Now, I wouldn't change it! Hope you feel as well as possible.

Michelle said...

Congratulations! You are obviously much more than you perceive. I wish I had your energy to take the plunge one last time!

Crystalyn said...

oh jordan! congratulations. i nearly started crying myself when reading about your breathing in sob-waves...it would have been my reaction as well.

your way is a wonderful way. you are an incredible mother. and this little #4 is already blessed.

i think of you often when i feel in the thick of it. your perceptions brings me clarity.

happy day for all of you!

Crystalyn said...

of course i meant BRING me clarity...i'm not even pregnant and i still don't have a mind! ( :

Amy said...

I ached reading this. It's my struggle right now. Am I *ready* to surrender mind, might, body? For such beauty, I suppose it IS worth the price a million times over.

Congratulations!

Jenny Dahl said...

Congratulations Jordan. I know the emotions of maybe not feeling quite prepared or ready, but that is obviously not "their" requirement. Beautifully written as always! I am not sure of many things, but I am sure that this will not be even close to the last thoughtful post for the next many months to come.

Allison said...

Congratulations! You are an amazing women and mother. You will rise to the occasion just you always do.

This baby is as lucky to have you as you are to have it.

Good luck!

Tasha said...

I wondered after your last post.

Congrats my friend. You are a Star Mother to me!

Here's to lots of changes all at once! We just did the job, baby. move, so I am here for ya friend!

Elizabeth said...

It seems like I was just reading your post titled Party of Five. You are an amazing mother. I am excited for your growing family. You are giving your children such a wonderful gift of growing up so close together.

ingrid said...

A new Mangum! I can't wait!

Kelly said...

Wow, wow, wow! A big congratulations and hug sent your way. And what a blessed babe #4 to be counted as yours. Wonderful news! You have done three -- you can do 4, and I'm sure with much grace. Yea for the Mangum 6!

Jenny said...

And just think, by the time this lucky one arrives you will soon be out of the heat :)

Beautiful thoughts and congrats all over again, 4 is a fun number!

michelle said...

Wow! I am so glad for you that you found the happiness, the joy, at the end of the sobbing. If I had an unexpected pregnancy now I don't know if I would emerge from the sobbing! I loved your description of Craig's reaction -- elated, congratulatory, concerned.

I completely understand your worries, but I do think that your children are fortunate and blessed to have you as their mother. All 4 of them!

Shannon said...

Congratulations Jordan. You are one amazing woman. I think of my Mom often how did she have 10? When two are all I can handle at this point. I loved what you said about being good at mothering. You ARE good at mothering. How fortunate you are to truly enjoy being a mother.

Katy said...

Great post, sis. Love the pics. Devoured the words. Identified with the feelings. You can do number 4, for sure.

Dana said...

Congratulations Jordan!
We have 4 and it is really fun. Insane but fun.

Aaron is ready for #5. Am I?

Sara said...

I thought about you all night last night after we talked! This is what this time of our lives is all about. . .hard? YES. . .but so great and gone before we will know what hit us!

Your 3 and soon to be 4 are the luckiest and most blessed because they are YOURS (Craig ain't bad either). I'm with Jenny D. . . your mind on a bad day is mine on its best I think! I am looking forward to many great posts and pregnancy updates. This one was divine and so touching, thank you.
Take it easy and start stocking up on Laughing Cow Cheese (wasn't that you who craved it with Ritz crackers during your pregnancies?)

amy m said...

Congratulations to you mine friend. In a sense I know the feelings you are talking about, but mine had only one line. So my heart is reaching out to you and saying (with a hug), this baby will be a blessing, you are a blessing to your family. I've seen you with your children and you are a wonderful mom.

amy m said...

that would be "my friend"

TX Girl said...

Congratulations. I am so excited for your ittle family (although I doubt little is the proper word). I wish you happiness and joy during this pregnancy. Ahh another little Mangum.

Brook said...

Your big beautiful table from Whales will be full in no time!!! So happy for you. I often ponder what more madness would be like in our home...more madness. But I didn't see any crumbs on that table.

On my table (from that big blue building) are paper scraps, a pile of frames awaiting photos, baby carrot juice from shoveling (not feeding) before church, beads...what are those beads from? shower invites that should have left the table last week, (the shower is next week)...and here I sit just marveling that I made it through this Sunday...without hubby, three trips out of sacrament, 1 interuppted YW lesson 2 times, and a Sunday school lesson on...feeding Max.

hmmm...oh yeah, this was your blog...perhaps I will go to my own and "post". Jordan, congrats. You do amazing work with those "littles" and inspire others along the way.

Katherine said...

You're amazing. I'm just now catching up on reading everyone's blogs since I got back in to town. I am so happy for your beautiful family. I really admire the way you mother.

Jill said...

Wow and congratulations!! This post is beautifully written (like all your posts) and I can't help but think what a gift your blog is and will be to yourself and your family over time. It's amazing to think of having all these words and feelings documented while real life is happening, not to mention the greatness of having pictures to go with them. It's remarkable really.