I'm pregnant. It is no secret to anyone how this happened. The secret, or rather the mystery, some may say miracle, is in how this happened. I will not now launch into the ins and outs of my "cycle" and the probability or impossibility of conceiving or not conceiving a child at certain times of that cycle. The fact of the matter, or miracle (for that matter), is I am pregnant.
And overjoyed. Over joyed.
But first there were the several moments between. Sitting on the edge of the tub in the pink bathroom at my parents house the night of "race day". I was next to Craig. He was perfect. His face only made movements of elation. He hugged me congratulatory and concerned for many minutes. For, his little pregnant wife was, well the only way I can think of to describe it is: I was breathing in sob-waves. Completely and at once thrilled and overwhelmed. Still am--thrilled and overwhelmed. But smiles now not sobs.
Since the appearance of the two lines on the little plastic stick, the dust has settled somewhat and we are sweeping a new path. Speaking now of names and birthing plans and all the change of plans. The path, it begins with a Farewell to Arms (and legs, hips, belly and even feet and well all the rest of it, too) and for me, also, a Farewell to Mind. I understand and have accepted that I am not my own now--with such small children with such large needs. Time only belongs to me in a book or at my beading desk or running or sleeping. I exploit these rationed moments. But I always have my mind. Thinking is where my beyond is. Yet, when I am pregnant even that, even my mind is lost to the cause.
So, without a mind, perhaps this will be one of few remaing "thoughtful" posts in the next nine months. But I have other ways, I've found, for "making my world go round". I am not the Star Mother. A good day here is one where smiles and silliness predominate over frowns and frustration. I'm sure there are women that revel in the fulfillment of dustless shelves, dinner-at-five, slick floors and counter tops, and activity-laden itineraries for their littles. I say, to that, Bravo. For me I am contributing all the good I can and waiting and watching the children I've born and brought along in this life of ours. This is my way. This is what I know how to do and I don't even know if I know how to do it. I am only hoping it is enough to go around to four babies--come May second.
I would love a million. I could love a million. And if I had a million minds I would give them all and their bodies, too, for this child conceived. Life is beautiful. The children amplify this truth. Happy Day for our family of soon-to-be-six. Happy Day