It buys me over two extra "free-hand" hours in a day. Though, if time and other children permit...I jump at the chance to "hand feed" sweet Hazel and we just stare into eachother's eyes. Sometimes she can hardly contain herself and must stop sucking to crack a smile. I love that certain smiles are reserved for me--at least that's how I see it. These itsy bitsy baby months are way to brief not to savor such an exchange.
I feel such an intense ownership for my babies, all three. It is wearying and wonderous. And yet, they are not mine at all. They are their own beings destined to feel even less of a connection to me as they grow and mindfully fulfill their own desires and dreams in this life, despite a doting and devoted mother. I can't imagine, now, that I will ever ache to be needed in their future separate lives. Now, in my present, there are waves and waves of need washing over my tired eyes and head each hour of every day...how could I possibly long for this drain on my nearly 30-year-old being. Yet, there is a suspicion in a quiet corner of the back of my mind where perspective lives and hides, that this ache will come. It will come. I will long for even a few moments of a quiet gaze between us and the urge to give up a smile will be more than enough.