Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Me, One Year Ago Today


And yet, I look so young. A year later, I feel old today. Like the sort of old that tingles down your spine after you've mopped the floor and you have to stand up from your heaving motions to lean up into your hand at the small of your back and let out a pathetic sigh. That April, I was about two months pregnant with number three. Today, I feel an aura about me. Like a film of sweat and dust from sweeping the floor. I knew then that having children was hard work. 365 days later...well, I know now that I'm in over my head. Coated head to toe in responsibility.
I will sweep and mop the rest of my life. Does this overwhelm you? Not me. That is the easy breezy part of who I've become. In fact, I sweep and mop much less that I did this time last year. These chores slip in and out of my hands easily. That tingle down my achy spine is nothing compared to the tingle in my chest and the chores of child raising that slip in and out of my heart. They say, find a balance. Take time for yourself. Your a better mother when part of your nurture is narcissisitc. I say this. Driving home from target with my floor cleaner (the only one that seems to leave the "sought for" shine) I decided now nor ever, this April or last, I will not truly have time for myself--not until many many Aprils have past. This is helpful.

Every day, letting go a little more. Every year passing a little free-er.

10 comments:

Jill said...

You sound like you've got a healthy way of looking at things. I love that "You're a better mother when part of your nurture is narcissistic." That's so true. Neglecting ourselves and becoming martyrs doesn't benefit anyone in the long term. It's much better to let some things slide.

Katy said...

It's so much more pleasant to live with one who doesn't act the martyr. It doesn't benefit anyone--not even the supposed martyr. I'm slowly learning this, trying not to want my every act recognized and praised. But, alas, that is not, nor will it ever be, the life of a mother. We get no monetary accolades. We receive no awards of superior performance. Ours is a humble position, that ultimately will matter more than any other. We are the ones making a difference--you are keeping it in perspective.

Amy said...

Jordan, I love this & loved meeting the you of today Today!

I still fight the fight and it's probably high time I decide as you have - there is no time for me...but the Aprils do pass quickly anyhow & I may as well mop myself into backache with a smile.

Your floor looked spectacular.

Jordan said...

Amy, you are as noteworthy in person as your words on screen. Thank you for making the trek. And...as you discovered I RARELY mop--perhaps it is an attempt at "good" first impressions or maybe just that I'm trying to delay the onset of old age.

amy m said...

Oh Jordan I have been there and am there. It has certainly taken me a lot of time, and I still do struggle, about finding the balance of motherhood, wife, and time for me amongst everything else life throws at me. Of all the things that call my name it is truly raising my children that I hold so close to my heart and desperately want to get right.

I love your last two lines. As time passes we do get a little of us back, but also loose a bit of them. The irony is too much for me at times, but I am enjoying the journey.

Elizabeth said...

It is so wonderful to find that balance. It seems we have to find it after each new baby. I have let so many things go also. Including mopping. I am more of a spot cleaner now. I use method also. Such great stuff.

ingrid said...

I have to agree with your sister, Katy, that ours is a humble position, not one recognized by monetary accolades or awards, but one that will matter more than any other. It is ALOT of work being a mom, wife, woman, sister, daughter, friend, and finding the balance to fit each role in our lives! I suppose this is part our life process in finding ourselves, moving forward, making a difference, and embracing happiness. I just love your posts and how they get me reflecting and thinking about my life (and of course, learning more about the fun Mangum happenings). With the addition of our new little one in just a few months, I can foresee many fun, exciting, and challenging moments coming to our home!

Jenny said...

I love your post Jordan. And even better that you are living with your resolution--

I am happy to say I am enjoying the journey too. Much more than I used to. I guess the older you are the wiser you become.

Lucy said...

I find this post completely enigmatic. Beautiful though. I've no gift for poetry and admire your artful wordplay.

michelle said...

I'm in over my head too. I think #3 tends to do that to you! And I'm definitely going to check out that floor cleaner.