I woke up this morning with a head full of ache and a steady drip down my throat. Egh! We just can't kick the bugs this winter. I'm hoping this is the last round. So it is almost 2pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I did get the kids dressed, breakfasted, lunched and down for naps/quiet time. We have had a morning full of snacks and movies--I have the Leap Frog alpahbet factory movie memorized and Lucy can't get enough of Mater and the Ghostlight--actually pretty entertaining. So it's a perfect day for two posts, right?
I had a mini-epiphany this morning as I was refilling sippy cups for the film goers. It bothers me that I struggle so much right now with being a mother. Of course, some days are smoother than others. Yet, I wish it were more of a natural act, that patience came easily and I could ride smoothly over a day full of screams, messes, and whines (let me assure you that there are plenty of smiles, organized activity, and laughs to help balance the hours). I guess it is in my nature to want to pinpoint the "instigator" of the feelings I'm experiencing. My children are very young: 3 1/2, 2, and 3 months. Seth, the oldest, is only just now starting to communicate on a more "advanced" level. Instead of just whining at every need that crosses his fancy, he tells me about what he's doing, including descriptions and questions, also politely soliciting my help when the occasions calls. It is refreshing to have moved to this new level with him. In a strange way it makes my days less lonely. I don't have much adult interaction during the week and it wears on me. It's the perfect recipe for bottled tension.
The instigator: producing weekly batches of boiled, canned, then beribboned bottles of emotions I experience all week only to put away on my shoulders' shelf. There must of been some botulism in my most recent batch because I finally exploded all over my unassuming husband. We got through it, cleaned up the mess, and everyone felt much better afterwards. But, are these periodic explosions necessary. Is there another route with less sobbing and then post-sobbing headache?
So, my epiphany was that I am with my kids 24 seven and they are my social outlet and this is a problem. A problem that will be resolved naturally as they grow older and our relationships mature.
Playgroup, preshcool mothers, church. These are where my encounters with other adults occur--besides of course the helpful employees at various grocery stores, post offices, and retail shops. Church is questionable, since in between classes I am "mothering" in some way and after church there is a mad rush to collect the kids and get them home for sorely needed snacks and naps.
I am, once again, not complaining. This is the discovery of an epiphany. An uncovering of an instigator. Simply, an answer to the question, "why?" It is helpful to me but perhaps entertaining to another who can look back on the times when they had youngins' running their halls and be grateful those times are there to look back on.
So here's to kids growing up. Perhaps I will look back on these times and unreasonably crave them...but...I won't hold my breath.