For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.
For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years--
Bitter contested farthings--
And Coffers heaped with Tears!
On about our third hour sitting on the bed in a small partition in the Provo ER my mom pulled out a miniature book of Emily Dickinson's verse from her purse. I opened and appropriately found the above poem. I've always felt that life has dealt me far to many ecsatic instants. That sometime I'm going to have to pay in anguish to balance this "quivering ratio".
I stayed on with the 3 kids. Craig had flown home to work his shifts. I was sitting with Seth doing his preschool projects we had taken with us and choked on some almonds. He ended up aspirating some. When Craig asked him on the phone, after confirming he was sick, what he had...he said, "I have a nut!" 24 hours later he had a high fever and irregular breathing. We spent 5 hours that night in the ER. 24 more hours later I was on a plane back to Phoenix with Seth and Hazel, leaving Lucy to be picked up by Craig. We saw him for 5 minutes at the Phoenix airport and he was off to Provo. 24 more hours later we were at a hospital in Mesa where they had the tools to extract foreign objects from a lung. They did a Bronchoscopy and found 3 large peices lodged in Seth's right lung. It was highly traumatic for all involved, especially sweet Seth. While I held an oxygen mask up to Seth's slumbering mouth in the ICU, Hazel slept at my dear Aunt Lark's house in Mesa and Craig tried NOT to sleep driving our car and LUcy down from Provo.
Seth smiling in his pre-op bed.
They discharged him that evening just after Craig arrived at the hospital seeing Seth for the first time since he left us in Provo 2 weeks ago. Being all together that night in our own home was such a relief. Seth is only coughing now and looking much better. He is not quite himself which breaks my heart more than you would think. DIdn't even want his bath tonight, "I just want to get in bed". All three are asleep and I am only recently processing the last 48 hours. Long ones. Here's to many more beloved hours and strength to get through the bitter ones.
Fortunately, our holiday were filled with many beloved ones. Craig, with the help of two of my brothers, two of his brothers, and both our fathers, gave Hazel a name and a blessing. We did it in my parents home and were blessed to have many, if not all, of our family there.
We ordered lots of snow and they came through for us!
Coming home from so many smiles and tears, I learned a hard lesson for a mother. I can give many gifts under the tree, I can give lots of hugs and kisses, I can give sweet treats, and time, and love, and so many things. But I can't give my kids health, and another "can't" even harder to swallow--I can't give them happiness. I can make the environment one conducive to smiles and laughter, but we all make our own happiness, even when we are 3 1/2. I can't think of anything harder, as a mother, to learn.
Tomorrow, my 100.