Saturday, January 20, 2007

It will not always be like this...

Is it sad that I repeat this phrase to myself nearly every single day?

Perhaps I am trying to convince myself...but, I believe someday I will only have to dress myself in the morning. I believe someday I will be able to sit down to a meal with my husband and actually make eye contact. I believe someday I will lay my head on my pillow at night and not wake up until the sun rises. I believe someday I will be able to write a paragraph like this and not have to get up again------------------for the third time.

Please do not take this as complaining, it is only hope. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not enjoying enough "the best time of my life". But, what a stupid thing to feel guilty about. I am working hard to raise children. Sprinkled in the cracks and crevices of this labor are dazzlingly bright moments of joy--I live off of these.

Craig has been going in to work in the afternoon and returning home to me after midnight. I have been hogging the mornings to run errands, alone. I have given up the battle of bringing my brood along. It seems to always end in tears (for them) and tension (for me). Although, I will admit I enjoy the comments I recieve as we wander the aisles of Target, "Look! She's got TWO in a stroller and one strapped to her chest!". Somehow I relish the thought that other people recongnize that my life is CRAZY!

It took giving birth to three. But, my 15 hours at the side of Seth's bed in the hospital was a turning point for me as a parent, as a mother. I realized that these delicate little bodies deserve all of me and the "I" I knew before is not who I am now. It is with a sense of relief that I married a generous boy who is a man willing to share me with the children he gave to me. Patience is of the essence here, but love makes it possible.

Hazel just nodded off--the last of the three to slip into sleep. The king and queen and the little princess--the rulers of this household.


Anonymous said...

I find myself saying over and over "There's a time and a season" especially when I feel like my wings have been clipped indefinately, or that I am not doing great at this stage of motherhood, or when thinking about my responsibilies. House not clean? Someday it will be, but today we have a million piece foam puzzle to put together (and take promplty apart, respread all over the floor, but that is a different story). Don't have time to work on all the projects I want to? Someday I will. Again, it is just hope, that I can be my best self today, not wish a moment of it away, and relish the changes that come along... Your Craig is a great man! And you are one of the greatest people I know!

rebecca said...

Hope. A perfect descriptor of our particular journey of late.

The balance of the joy and the work probably are never even, but are perhaps less physically taxing someday. "The best time of your life"??? I don't know... won't we also enjoy our kids when they dress themselves and eat fewer crackers and more salads? I *hope* that the bright moments are waiting up ahead, too... no guilt, Jordan. You are hoping for sleep and time, not wishing your children's youth away.

Jill said...

It's wonderful that you are able to write about this crazy time of life because it's great to document it for yourself and for others. I don't know why women have a tendency to think that things are only hard for themselves and not for others, so it's comforting to know we're not alone in this.

You are really in the trenches though with 3 tiny kids, so it's important that you get time alone, have a place to vent, and a husband who shares you and is patient with your as well. You have to be whole lot to many people and that is draining.

You are doing a great job and have wisdom and beauty beyond your years.

michelle said...

Beautifully said, Jordan. When I say these things, it sounds a lot more like whining. When you say them, it is poetic.

I love the things you say, and even more I love the way you express them. Courage!

TX Girl said...

I agree with Michelle- beautifully written. You don't at all sound like you are complaining. I love "I realized that these delicate little bodies deserve all of me and the "I" I knew before is not who I am now." One of those amazing moments we all need every once in awhile. Granted accepting it is another ballgame. But one baby step at a time. Jordan- you are an amazing mother. Give yourself a break. I'm exhausted with one child, I cannot imagine having 3.

Anonymous said...

I have had many times where I have repeated those words.
I also decided to stop running most errands with the kids, it just made everyone happier.
Thank you for expressing so beautifully these days of youthful motherhood.

ingrid said...

No guilt, Jordan. You DID just have a baby and your children are all quite close in age. You deserve a medal just for that! (And you look amazing to boot!)

I think we all go through these moments where we think our lives are so very different than before we had children, with no attachments, but then we reflect and realize there is no better life than one filled with family and those special moments filled with a certain type of joy only brought to us by those little ones in our lives. (I will admit it is ALOT of work and I do look forward to those rare days when my kids wake up after sunrise. What a treat!)

Jordan, you are an incredible lady. Your kids are so blessed to have such a deep thinker for a Mama. Your posts always seem to inspire me to reflect, so thank you.